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Sunday, September 17, 2006
Part 4:The Upshot

I just realized I posted "Part 4: Los Angeles" when I had specifically stated that part 4 would be "the upshot". As it turns out, the upshot is proving elusive. After a summer of travelling pretty much everywhere and checking in with pretty much everyone - from my very oldest trusted friends to my newest friends, and even a psychic - I have come to a few conclusions which might better be described as non-conclusions.

1. I am not sure where I want to live. I sort of hate Chicago, but I have a beautiful apartment two blocks off a mellow little beach on one of my favorite bodies of water. I have a (very) few good friends who like hanging out with me, which is a few more than I had a year ago. I have a really very challenging and scintillating job at a school working for a very challenging and wonderfully fun mentor. And I love my gym. And I make a lot of money. For me, that basically just means more than $14,000 a year, but I am actually pretty financially sound and can travel around and buy whatever pants I want. I drive a purple 97 Ford Escort that used to be my Grandma's and I have to work for a living, but I do OK. I would maybe rather live somewhere else, but where? All I can think of is NYC in the 1990s or London in the 1960s. So, I would have to not just move but move against the dominant flow of the time-space continuum. That might be a bit of an issue.

2. I am not sure what I want to do for a living. Yes, the school thing is very good for now but I am not enjoying my practice as much as I thought I might. I really like my patients, but I am just not feeling that inspired. And sometimes the school job makes me homicidal. I miss being creative and playing characters and I think I also miss the fleetingness and uncertainty of acting and the mystery of the next project. I feel a little overly settled and middle aged. My boss/mentor thinks its because I got really successful really fast and don't feel like I have much more to aspire to in this field. He thinks I need to shift gears in terms of how much excitement I am looking for in life. But that makes me want to throw myself off a bridge, especially if he is (and he usually is) right.

3. I am not sure what life is for. Are we supposed to be getting something done here? Just surviving? Working out karma? Enjoying ourselves? Not enjoying ourselves because that would be wrong? I don't get it. What's the point?

So, as you can see, I was very, very, very premature in announcing Part 4 as the upshot. More than ever, I welcome your comments.

posted by pinky 2:05 PM

Surely there is some theater you can get involved in there, yes? It would certainly be a short-term fix for not feeling creative, right?
I work 60 hours a week. And, I quit theater because I didn't want to be in the whole half-assed night-time volunteer let's do a crappy play unless I can book a beer commercial in the meantime world any more. If there were any companies around doing really exciting work , I would try and be a part of it, I am just so far out of it. And I do need to be at my practice at least two nights a week. So theater would be a pretty major change.
I don't mean to be dense, here, but how about backing off some of the hours of your practice, since you're not really enjoying it as much as you thought, and supplement with something that allows you to be creative. ARE there any companies doing exciting work? DO you need to be at your practice 2 nights a week? Isn't a major change what you need right now? Maybe a minor change?
It is illuminating to me how averse I am to taking this particular advice. The idea of going out, getting shots, and auditioning for a bunch of random companies and then doing some play somewhere makes me actively barfy. That has to be an indication. If I met someone whose ideas excited me, I would work with them. But since we have lived here I have seen nothing but shit, so it just isn't enticing at all.
I thought of you last night as I was watching a Warhol documentary. New York in the 60s would, indeed, be a good move for you!
here here on the actively barfy response to the whole starting from scratch in theater thing
I'm going to see Sonnet's new project in a coupel weeks in A-town however and that will make me want to be all involved & crative, I just know it...DAMN!
also...could it not be the whole end of big exciting summer back to the winter-is-coming blues? I get that bad-I'mstill pissed that I don't get summers off.
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